The Official Roach Registry
Every roach below was named by somebody who decided a particular person had earned it — a best friend, a sibling, a colleague, an ex. Entries are reviewed by a human before they appear. We publish the roach’s name, the roast, and the dedicator’s first name — never a surname, never an email address, never contact details for anybody.
Named the wrong person, or want an entry about you removed? Tell us and it comes down. No argument, no form to fill in twice.
| My little Roach | Adoption date | Current Status |
|---|---|---|
| Matron Nils aka i panicked honestly | September 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Little Cyrus aka i'm working through some stuff | September 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Little Vasco aka i think about you sometimes | August 2023 | Still in captivity |
| Little Heidi aka i hope you meet someone incredible | August 2023 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Earl Gwen aka i hope you find what you're looking for | August 2023 | Still in captivity |
| Little Jemima aka the timing just isn't right | August 2023 | Still in captivity |
| Curator Kendrick aka give me until after christmas | August 2023 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Little Petra aka i handled that badly and i'm sorry | August 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Old Thierry aka i'm moving to Lisbon in the spring | August 2023 | Still in captivity |
| Little Cecilia aka my friends said i should end it | August 2023 | Still in captivity |
| Little Bernard aka i don't want kids and you did | August 2023 | Still in captivity |
| Captain Thierry aka i need to protect my peace | August 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Little Wilhelmina aka it happened really fast | August 2023 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Little Jarek aka it's not you it's genuinely me | July 2023 | Still in captivity |
| Constable Lars aka i knew you'd react like this | July 2023 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Maestro Bruna aka can we go back to how it was | July 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Little Pedro aka you'll thank me one day | July 2023 | Still in captivity |
| Chief Lottie aka i'm not looking for anything serious | July 2023 | Still in captivity |
| Little Lidia aka you're looking for something i can't offer | July 2023 | Still in captivity |
| Little Sabine aka i handled that badly and i'm sorry | July 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Little Oona aka no hard feelings right | July 2023 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Rector Astrid aka you gave up first | July 2023 | Still in captivity |
| Envoy Viggo aka i'll always love you as a person | July 2023 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Hopeless Ahmed aka can we go back to how it was | July 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Little Hadley aka on paper it should have worked | June 2023 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Careless Augusto aka i was upfront about all of this | June 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Bishop Federica aka i was going through a lot that year | June 2023 | Still in captivity |
| Little Naomi aka we're so much better as friends | June 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Little Otto aka random but how have you been | June 2023 | Still in captivity |
| The Honourable Salma aka it happened really fast | June 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Lady Blaise aka i ruined it and i know that | June 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Señor Leif aka you should have told me what you needed | June 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Captain Celeste aka you're being a bit much | June 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Admiral Desmond aka we're so much better as friends | June 2023 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Hopeless Verity aka we're good yeah | June 2023 | Still in captivity |
| Little Dagmar aka i don't know when it changed | May 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Little Cesar aka i miss you but i'm not coming back | May 2023 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Colonel Birgit aka let's be adults about the group chat | May 2023 | Still in captivity |
| Honest Federica aka are you up | May 2023 | Still in captivity |
| Rector Cosmo aka my therapist says i shouldn't date right now | May 2023 | Still in captivity |
| Tiny Cora aka i don't do the girlfriend thing | May 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Little Olaf aka do you ever think about that trip | May 2023 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Little Ilona aka long distance never works | May 2023 | Still in captivity |
| Little Ruth aka i'm off social media for lent | May 2023 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Little Keiko aka i was never really over it | May 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Rector Luz aka i genuinely forgot we had plans | May 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Podestà Serge aka the plant died by the way | April 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Alderman Maud aka my energy has been really off | April 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Honest Stefan aka i was upfront about all of this | April 2023 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Little Dieter aka i'll always love you as a person | April 2023 | Still in captivity |