The Official Roach Registry
Every roach below was named by somebody who decided a particular person had earned it — a best friend, a sibling, a colleague, an ex. Entries are reviewed by a human before they appear. We publish the roach’s name, the roast, and the dedicator’s first name — never a surname, never an email address, never contact details for anybody.
Named the wrong person, or want an entry about you removed? Tell us and it comes down. No argument, no form to fill in twice.
| My little Roach | Adoption date | Current Status |
|---|---|---|
| Professor Neil aka i can explain | August 2025 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Sheriff Duane aka i was clear from the start | August 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Little Sasha aka i never promised anything | August 2025 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Little Teo aka we were basically already broken up | August 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Dame Rosalind aka i think we want different things | July 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Little Ravi aka i don't want to hurt you | July 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Senator Chuck aka i just got a puppy | July 2025 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Little Wren aka i left my toothbrush there | June 2025 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Chief Barnaby aka new phone who dis | June 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Matron Sylvia aka i'm moving to Berlin probably | June 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Little Pia aka you were always going to leave anyway | June 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Little Kofi aka my mum doesn't think it's a good idea | June 2025 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Countess Delphine aka nothing happened technically | June 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Alderman Frank aka our friendship is too important | June 2025 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Colonel Stanley aka do you still have my charger | June 2025 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Uncle Terrence aka i still have your hoodie | June 2025 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Big Marcus aka we both know why | June 2025 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Little Hamza aka Mercury is in retrograde | June 2025 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Little Fern aka it's not you it's genuinely me | June 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Little Mateo aka you're being dramatic | May 2025 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Little Maeve aka work is absolutely insane right now | May 2025 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Madame Carla aka i was a different person | May 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Little Tomás aka i genuinely didn't see your message | April 2025 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Lord Reuben aka my therapist says i shouldn't date right now | April 2025 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Little Ola aka i deleted the app | April 2025 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Little Lupe aka i'm emotionally unavailable and self-aware about it | April 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Sir Gregory aka i saw it coming honestly | April 2025 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Little Rosa aka i don't really believe in labels | March 2025 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Saint Olivia aka you deserve so much better than me | March 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Poor Nathan aka the timing just isn't right | March 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Abbess Greta aka i've been ghosted before so i get it | March 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Prince Damien aka i thought we were on the same page | March 2025 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Little Saoirse aka can i still come to your sister's thing | February 2025 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Little Cato aka let's keep it casual for now | February 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Doctor Eloy aka this is exactly why i didn't say anything | February 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Viscount Gaspar aka i left my toothbrush there | February 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Hopeless Sinead aka we wanted different lives | February 2025 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Dame Gio aka i genuinely didn't see your message | February 2025 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Vicar Zelda aka i liked her photo by accident | February 2025 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Sweet Ciaran aka this is for the best honestly | February 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Hopeless Xavi aka i've been off my phone lately | February 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Marchioness Lena aka i muted you for my own sake | February 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Baroness Luca aka i'm getting married in June | January 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Little Ines aka i never introduced you to my friends for a reason | January 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Comrade Imogen aka i said i'd call and i meant it | January 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Padre Mariana aka no bad blood right | January 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Warden Gwen aka i just need six weeks | January 2025 | Still in captivity |
| Abbess Gio aka we both know why | January 2025 | Turned into powder to feed hens |
| Little Anouk aka i'm working on myself now | January 2025 | Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode) |
| Dean Nikolai aka you caught me at a weird time | January 2025 | Still in captivity |