Description
Somebody in your life has earned this. The best friend who has been fifteen minutes away for eleven years. The sibling who still brings up the thing from 2009. The colleague who reheats fish at their desk. An ex, if that is genuinely the occasion. This is not revenge. This is administration. Somewhere in a habitat, a cockroach is going about its business with no idea it is about to be named after them.
You give us a name. We give you a certificate that looks like it belongs in a law firm’s lobby — cream stock, double gold border, script lettering, a wax seal. It lands in your inbox the moment your order goes through. Print it, frame it, post it, or keep it in a drawer and know it exists.
What you actually get
- Digital Certificate delivered instantly.
- Everything in Premium Roast — certificate, registry entry, social card.
- A « Certificate of Emotional Closure », a second document, made out to you.
The honest small print
The roach is real. It is a Blaberus giganteus — a species native to Colombia, up to about 10cm, and genuinely photogenic — living in a managed colony on private land in Colombia, where it is fed and looked after by six people who have names and faces. It is never shipped, mailed, or sent to you or to the person it is named after, and it remains completely unaware of the whole affair. We are not a zoo, a sanctuary, or a conservation charity, and we do not pretend to be. The certificate is a keepsake, not a legal or scientific document. Registry entries are reviewed by a human before they appear, we publish your first name only, and we take anything down on request. Keep it to a real adult who can take a joke, keep it legal, and we will keep it funny.
