Set Up Your Adoption – Roast My Ex

Who it is named after

Your roach's official name * First name or nickname is plenty. A friend, a sibling, a housemate, an ex — anyone who has earned it. Real people only, and nobody under 18.

Your roast

Printed on the certificate, and shown in the registry if you opt in. Max 280 characters.

Live preview — this fills in as you type.

Delphine the Considerate

Named 10/2026 RMX-0000-0000

Your certificate

Certificate number and date are issued when your order is paid. Layout shown at reduced size.

What it eats

Changeable every billing cycle. You will be asked again each month.

Plantain, mango, and whatever the kitchen has The house standard. What the rest of the colony eats.

Other roaches Cannibalism, but catered. It is a real thing they do.

Gourmet fish Better than the last dinner they took you to.

The Colombian local energiser No need to elaborate

Where it lives

A plastic box, like everyone else Egg crate, a label, no pretensions. Most of the colony.

A cosy wooden cabin Built on the farm, one roach per cabin. Above its station.

A fancy planted terrarium Moss, bark, humidity. It photographs extremely well.

How it ends

Cancel whenever you like — it is free, and there is no exit fee of any kind. This is only about how it ends. Every ending is included at no extra cost, all of them come with a certificate, and you can change your pick at any time. We have no preferred answer.

Back to the colony It rejoins its mates and carries on as though none of this happened.

Released into the wild to take its chances The jungle it came from, with everything that lives there.

The river Which is full of fish, and the fish know what a cockroach is.

The snake enclosure Brief. Witnessed. Photographed if you want it photographed.

Powder, for the hens Dried, milled, and fed to the chickens. Nothing is wasted here.

Where the updates go

Tag my roach when it appears on Instagram or TikTok

The public registry

Add my roach to the public Roach Registry Entries are reviewed by a human before they go live. We publish the roach name, your roast, and your first name only — never your surname, email, or theirs.

The Roach Registry

Gregory the Unreliable

October 2026

Still in captivity

This is the row that goes live. A human reviews it first.

Your registry entry

Already in the registry

Little Osric aka i just do not see it going anywhere long term September 2026 Still in captivity
Commodore Marisol aka i am choosing myself for once September 2026 Still in captivity
Little Lior aka we want different things and that is nobody's fault September 2026 Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode)
Padre Hendrik aka i just think the universe is telling us something September 2026 Still in captivity
Little Saoirse aka you will always have a special place, just not in my inbox September 2026 Turned into powder to feed hens
General Ruben aka i just do not have the bandwidth for a relationship right now September 2026 Still in captivity
Little Elowen aka i left because i did not know how to stay September 2026 Freed into the Colombian jungle (survival mode)
Vicar Kaveh aka i swear it is not because of them September 2026 Still in captivity
Little Wren aka i just need to figure out who i am on my own September 2026 Still in captivity
Baroness Bastian aka the group chat knew before you did, sorry September 2026 Turned into powder to feed hens

See the whole registry →